disadvantages of being a second wife in polygamy

She said being Muslim I should follow and admit the true teachings of Islam." The majority of Muslims have accepted official polygamy. 'I've been a second wife for a year and a half. You feel stuck and feel as if you do not belong where you are. So infertility and no male child is the main factor to permit polygamy by the wives [8]. But honestly, if your significant other has already had a wedding, who cares? Mrs. Gulzar said "I had no option other than to make a compromise and accept co-wife because of my female kids. This can make for a challenging home life from day to day. Not the wives of college friends, not old relatives who can't remember new names but who remember that they shelled out good money for a fancy gift the first time around, and especially not the original wife, who thinks of herself as the bona fide wife. Then communicate every detail to your wife she deserves that. But when a man marries for the second time he knows what he's getting into. Marriage Counseling vs. Table 1: Frequency of co-wives for infertility, only female children, love marriage and family pressure as reasons of polygamous marriages (n=11). Islam allows for a man to marry up to 4 wives rather illegal relationship. Its like when you are a kid, and you have had the same best friend since you were a baby; then, suddenly, in high school, you have a new best friend. Gabe and I won't have that. Al-Krenawi A, Slonim-Nevo V. Psychosocial and familial functioning of children from polygynous and monogamous families. Being Muslim doesn't change the biology of pain, of envy, and of sadnessthese are human emotions that are consequences of the act. So she said I always support my husband for equal treatment with all wives because this life is much better than the previous one." 2009; 103(1): 17-29. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? After those three days I regretted everything and I blamed myself for her heartache, he says. I would never accept polygamy unless my husband decides to divorce me to marry a second wife. Mrs. Kamal reported "in the beginning when I thought about the second wife, I engaged myself in different activities because it always hurt me." Challenges of Polygamy Partiality of husbands: this is where. You can cancel anytime and if you cancel within 14 days you won't be billed. Al-Krenawi A, Graham JR, Ben-Shimol-Jacobsen S. Attitudes toward and reasons for polygamy differentiated by gender and age among Bedouin-Arabs of the Negev. Mrs. Ahmad being 2nd wife told that after second marriage "I and my co-wife did not get along; our children also did not get along, and there was constant bickering between us. She stated I prefer not to attend the same social function or activity with my rival (co-wife). Thereafter you will be billed R75 per month. Kadyrov's second wife also has a place to stay in Moscow, with three apartments registered in her name. If he does so, either in public or secret, she has the right to divorce him. Outcomes of polygamous marriages were a second theme generated by evaluating the relationships of co-wives. 2008; 148(6): 745-764. Data was collected from 11 polygamous women who consented to an in-depth interview. You didnt grow up thinking; I cant wait until I meet a divorced man! When he proposed to her she first came to me to check if he had my blessing. Polygamy is a practice in which a person is married to more than one person at the same time, most commonly a man to several wives. READ MORE:After Criselda Dudumashe recently shared how her husband allegedly beat her up we thought we'd remind women how they can seek help. PostedNovember 5, 2012 Yet we have to shake off the stigma attached to being The Second Wife and say, with a smile, Yes indeed, Im his second wife. Im raising my son to be a responsible man who will not look down on women, like my father does, she says. International Journal of Mental Health. In most cases the husband will go back to the wife and apologise after his elders have spoken to him. In the normal course of events theres no need for formal structures in polygamous relationships as the wives usually work most things out for themselves, he says. My husband has two wives . The real term for that arrangement is polygyny, "the practice or condition of having more than one wife at one time." Poly was defined above, and -gyny probably looks familar, from words like misogyny and gynecology: it's the Greek gyne, "woman." She always imposes a fine of 5,000 Malaysian ringgit (around $1,700) and six strikes of a cane. They must be educated through different seminars and programs to cope with the stress and manage other consequences of polygamy. What are the disadvantages of being a second wife? First theme: reasons of polygamy as findings indicated that majority of females allowed their husbands for co-wives due to infertility or having only female children, husbands love marriage, and in-laws family pressure because they wanted to secure their marriage instead of divorce. The main strength of this study is that it provides preliminary data on women in polygamous marriages and the foundation for further research. Participant Mrs. Abdullah stated that in her pain after her 1st husband's death and later divorce from her previous husband due to barrenness when she met her third husband who dealt her effectively with her emotional pain. And reassure her of your love. They found his second wife together a woman who was a regular on one of his taxi routes. ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry received 934 citations as per google scholar report, Research Article - ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry (2021), Received: 20-Nov-2021 These reasons are in line to some extent with the current outcomes as infertility and having only female children was also one of the major factors for polygamous marriage. "I'm in a traditionalist polygamist relationship. But by then, no one can picture you without that first friend. They often include not-so-subtle warnings about what's to come, designed to keep you strong and united in the face of conflict, change, hardship, kids. 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. "If you are the second or third or fourth wife, that marital relationship is not going to be recognized for immigration purposes. She described that she was completely alone with her daughters after her husband's second marriage. Provide the three areas that were Islamized. Mrs. Amir had no baby so she said, "It's Allah's plan for me and I have accepted my fate". Tarrant County Mugshots 2020, Who Is The Black Woman In The Audi Commercial, Why Does Shrimp Foam When Boiled, Cdl Speeding Ticket 15 Over In California . The average duration of polygamy was about 11 years so most of the co-wives had been accepted co-wives and engaged themselves in several activities and got comfort considering it fate role, religious permission, and compromise for the sake of their children's future rather than divorce. 1. You know, its so sad because the new wives are also being treated horribly by my father but theyre too proud to talk to my mother because of the way they mistreated her.. Mrs. Arslan told that she was shocked when she came to know about her husband's affair. Evelyn*, 32, tells DRUM her mother's experience was awful. To seek the coping strategies to accept the new relationship by co-wives. Sometimes the first wifeis forced to accept it because of her own limited circumstances, and sometimes she declares war or leaves her husband." Evelyn shrugs and says women should always know their rights and not be afraid to fight for them. Lillian takes care of the children and is responsible for the admin of the taxi business, and Thembi still works as a nurse. Love marriage: Love marriage is a very common reason for co-wives [13]. One of the misconceptions about being someone's second wife is that you'll have no choice but to have a low-key courthouse wedding with minimal fanfare, and that the ghosts of weddings past will linger. What's popular and why. Concept of one soulmate for everyone is flawed anyway. 2010;57(1): 121-127. Policy-makers should be made aware of the implications of polygamous marriages on womens health and well-being. She said," My husband helped me to survive emotionally and financially". Are self-compassionate partners less jealous? Minor clashes are part of life to her. In part, this is due to the fact that there is still a contingent for which a marriage without children is only slightly more honorable than a series of one-night stands. Consent i s the keyword. Three themes emerged from the study based on findings. Divorce can be an expensive proposition. Your spouse has lost their first wife either to divorce or death, both of which bring immense, albeit very different, pain and coping mechanisms. International Journal of Social Psychiatry. She met Mr. Kamran 6 years back and married her after falling in love. Remember, in a normal setup the wives are not enemies nor are they in competition, Maphalala points out. 2.Explain the nature of your relationships with co-wives. But after few months it was disclosed. Polygamy has become common practice in many communities including Pakistan. Since this is nobody's tremulous, maiden love affair, get ready to handle some emotional baggage as a second wife. There are many stereotypes associated with being a second wife. One female Mrs. Abdullah was feeding a new born baby she was 3rd wife of her husband. So, I was second selection of my in-laws." No one does; no little girl longs to grow up and walk down the aisle to the strains of "Here Comes the Second Bride, All Dressed in an Ivory Suit." Few helped financially in return for child-rearing to the senior wives. In the modern-day polygamy is not as much disputed as in the past. Relationships are hard, and if things go wrong, we get hurt. The questions were translated into English according to the needs of international journal. Incidentally, polygamy is illegal for non-Muslims according to Federal law but is allowed for Muslim men under Sharia Law. "This evening I am with my wife a lone by my fire side for the first time for years," Young wrote in his diary in January 1842. Eva wasnt happy, but her husband went ahead and traditionally married the two women without her consent. Shed dropped out of school to help her sick grandmother, Nomqondiso, when Thamsanqa asked her for her hand in marriage. For 14 free days, you can have access to a world of in-depth analyses, investigative journalism, top opinions and a range of features. They must be educated through different seminars and programs to cope with the stress and manage other consequences of polygamy. Here are some people revealing the truth of what polygamous relationships are really like. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. The world is their oyster. According to Ali Kurbanov, a 27-year-old practicing Muslim who is also looking for a second wife, it is difficult for a woman to agree to her husband's second marriage, however, if a woman. They are sister wives, which means they have a friendship as well. Theyre all equal and these two women are their mothers equally. All the above shows that there is really no marriage between the both parties. Table 2: Frequency of co-wives for jealousy, unhappiness, loneliness and sharing household chores as consequences of polygamous marriages (N=11). In another study man's wife having been diagnosed with a mental health problem, infertility, a man has only daughters or having children mentally and physically sick or man's wife older than he is, and exchange marriage are common reasons were discussed in a previous study. A man and his second wife in Pakistan tell of their daily fear of being killed by assassins at the behest of their families. The sharia, Islamic family laws, and international human rights law: Examining the theory and practice of polygamy and talaq. Literature indicates that the structure of the polygamous women's families badly affected the psychological and social functioning of polygamous women and children [9-11]. Both babies were through cesarean. I know in some families the children of the first wife have some sort of higher status, but this is my home and I dont want to raise my children like that, Thamsanqa says. These themes emerged in 3 main themes as Causes of polygamy, outcomes of polygamy, and coping strategies of polygamous women. We have also learned of situations where a man is forced by his family to take a second wife because his parents disapprove of his first wife for any number of reasons (they didn't choose her, his mother no longer likes her, she's not the right nationality, ethnicity, skin tone, caste, race etc). This is by far the most common (and the most frequently legal) form of polygamy. Im in computer programming, which should tell you how much I love interacting with people, he says with a laugh. Exploring the mediation effects of anger rumination and willingness to forgive on the association between self-compassion and romantic jealousy. Normally the husband stays in the main house and then the wives have their own homes outside, Lillian explains. The current study provides preliminary data on women in polygamous marriages and the foundation for further research. To sum up: I am married to a man I love and am lucky. I couldn't sleep properly, I was crying.'. Yet even though we have gallopped past our twentieth year of marriage, I am still considered The Second One by certain of our acquaintances. They were much younger than my mother, just eight years older than me. Thats irresponsible. Evelyn, who has a four-year-old son, now works as a waitress to help her mother with the legal fees for her divorce. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. International Journal of Law, Policy and the Family. Carol Lynn Pearson's new book argues that many, if not most, Mormon women feel pain and fear at the prospect of sharing their husbands with at . Mrs. Abdullah also had a love marriage. Mormon women fear eternal polygamy, study shows. Polygamy has become very common in numerous cultures particularly in Islamic society. Note that I said "freely" - emotionally guilt tripping women, threatening them with divorce or withholding custody of their children from them, and other such nefarious tactics to pressure women into 'accepting polygamy' are not equivalent to consent without coercion. She stated out of sight, out of mind, She preferred the living arrangement. But the . In literature, the problems faced by polygamous women were highlighted. Gabe and I interact regularly with our exes and their new spouses, former in-laws, and current in-laws. I realized, several years after I remarried, that one of my oldest friends never quite forgave me for getting on with life after my divorce. They get along because this is normal to them they have agreed to it., We live in a world where facts and fiction get blurred. They dream big. Method: Exploratory qualitative method was used. Which Board Game Sums Up Your Life: "Aggravation"? In the beginning, females refused to share their partners but with time they accept it. Polygamy is the general, gender-neutral term for any marriage between three or more people.Polygyny is a specific term used to describe a marriage that includes one husband and at least two wives. If the person in the second marriage who was married before didnt have children, then chances are they never have to even talk to their ex again. Lillian, for example, says she changed her mind because she could see how sorry Thamsanqa was for hurting her, and when he explained his reasons she was able to move from heartbreak to acceptance. They also threatened her with divorce. 'I don't care about anything. The findings were consistent may be due to cultural and religious resemblance because Al-Krenawi and his colleagues conducted their study in Arab states. That tends to bring with it even more debt and insecurities. His family says it was unaware of any "second. The study is not against polygamy but the need to improve the family structure of polygamous families is a major concern. As some statistics have it, we are one in every four married women you will meet. A Tajik court found him guilty of polygamy and of driving her to suicide, but spared him a jail sentence and ordered him to pay a $1,300 fine. But that doesnt mean that they arent a little wounded. At that time her 3rd husband supported her emotionally and financially. Their average marriage duration was 11 years and living in the same house or compound. Mrs. Kamran was the 2nd wife, working in a hospital. A nurse brought me this far she took me into her arms and her home and decided she would be my mother. She stated, I allowed a co-wife in my marriage because I was not able to have more children after my second child. Mrs. Kamal was also a childless first wife from the past 6-8 years and she accepted a co-wife rather than divorce. But here I am, married to a man who was married before. Eva*, now 60 was married to my father for 28 years, and then one day he said he would like to add two more wives they were twins, she recalls. Crookston EM. The participants expressed the usage of different coping Strategies in polygamous marriage as religion, fate, compromise, and sisterly bond with co-wives. Though plural marriage is banned in developed courtiers, it is surprisingly common, and popular, that 55% of the women share their husbands in developed countries while an average of 16% of women in less developed nations. For Lillian Makhubalo* it was like a blow to the heart. While Pakistan being an Islamic state where religion allows polygamy, the more typical reasons have been observed in the current study by multiple co-wives such as infertility, a woman being a mother only by female children, love marriage, or family pressure with the reference of religious doctrine. "If it's mostly. Of importance is the need to disseminate the findings of studies like this one to those who are in a position to make change a reality. youre over there thinking, The ex has the kids for Christmas Bummer. She got a marriage proposal from a married man to be his second wife as his first wife had a medical condition due to which he had not been able to sleep with her for last 11 years. Naturally, I instantly felt like I wasnt woman enough for him, Lillian says. Every possibility seems available to them. ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry (MyCite Report). Yet there are many other cultures that support a mans choice to take more than one wife and believe it is something that can benefit the women as well. An interview guide was prepared before conducting interviews which were consisted of the following research questions based on literature. Six were first (senior) wives, four were second wives, and one was the 3rd wife in status. Opponents of decriminalization say the current law should not be changed because polygamy is inherently dangerous and harmful to women and children, particularly young girls, some of whom have. 2020; 39(2): 750-760. Mrs. Imam, Mrs. Ahmad, Mrs. Kamran, and Miss Nadia also admitted co-wives relationship and compromised with this relationship (Table 3). In this case, I would prefer to keep my marriage to make sure my children have a bright future," she . The disadvantage of being a second wife Sense of insecurity The second wife will face insecurity toward her husband which will take her in a severe sense of doubts and auspiciousness. The study findings may be inconsistent with the previous one except for the religious factor due to cultural differences. Family Process. In Pakistani culture, infertility can be one of the reasons but exploring other factors like love marriage and family pressure, and religious reference are also common factors. How Is It Different From Marriage Counseling? The applicant argued that the second woman's marriage was invalid because she, the first wife, had not consented to it: a notion upheld by the North Gauteng High Court. Whats not typically expected is becoming a second wife. The Advantages and Disadvantages of Polygamous Homes. Eva wasn't happy, but her husband went ahead and traditionally married the two women without her consent. When people. Some children may not accept a new mother or father figure, so instilling values or upholding rules with them may prove difficult. She said, "We both share the housework and I always take care of her children". The study was conducted in 2017 with approval from the institution and polygamous women. All women were Muslims. In the current study, co-wives reported several negative consequences of polygamy such as jealousy, lack of trust, unhappiness, loneliness, unequal financial division, and social privileges among the multiple wives those are consistent with previous studies conducted in UAE, Kuwait, Egypt, Jordan, the Gaza Strip, Arabs in Israel, Palestine, and Turkey which point out that the wives in polygamous marriages have reportedly more psychosocial, familial and economic problems compared to their counterparts from monogamous families [16-20]. The study describes the different experiences, reasons behind polygamy, its outcomes, and the coping strategies used by first, second, and third wives. The surprise is this: when the moment comes, the man jumps with alacrity. So second marriages tend to have less of the giddiness and more of the serious daily life attached. Divorce can be an expensive proposition. She believed that by allowing for a co-wife, she too would be blessed to have a child. Invest in the future today. But in Pakistan and Iran, only consent is required from the first wife and need to show it in the court as proof for the second wife. The study is not against polygamy but the need to improve the family structure of polygamous families is a major concern. A married couple that stays together can rack up plenty of debt, but what about a marriage that ends? Finding the right path for their family also provides an opportunity for bonding. King MT. She has been married for 40 years. She said, "I used to take care of my child and co-wife's as well". A false rumour that men in Eritrea would be legally obliged to marry at least two women went viral this week. The reverse is probably true, too: When women are taken from the marriage market, men suffer. In some countries like India, Iran, Iraq, Bangladesh, Algeria, Lebanon, Morocco, Jordan, and Kuwait allow a woman to include a clause prohibiting polygyny in marriage contacts. Istanbul, Turkey. Objectives: The study investigated the causes of polygamy, outcomes, and women's coping strategies to deal with co-wives relationships. One of the hardest aspects of being a second wife is having to deal with the emotional baggage of the failed marriage. An in-depth interview technique was used with probing questions to get the perception from polygamous women about their life experiences, reasons behind polygamous marriage, and what strategies were used by co-wives to deal with such relationships. In a previous study by the perceived advantages of polygyny included sharing house chores and child-rearing similarly in the present study most of the polygamous women were reported particularly the infertile women helped the co-wives to bring up their children as well as daily household activities. Your wedding is your wedding and you can do whatever you want. She told her a tragic story. She told when her husband introduced her to the other co-wives, in the beginning, they both cursed me but later they made a compromise and accepted her. Then I learned that marriages arent like cars, independent of the people in them, to be fixed according to an owner's manual. It means if your husband is a citizen or green card holder, he. Prevalence of mental health problems in women in polygamous versus monogamous marriages: A systematic review and meta-analysis. In 1994, the Haryana Panchayati Raj Act disallowed people with more than two children from contesting local elections. Though she faced a lot of criticism from the first wife. Azad Chaiwala says he first "came out" as polygamous when he was just 12 . Ashraf story mirrors that of 25% of Egyptian husbands who, according to statistics provided by the National Centre for Sociological and Criminological Research (NCSCR), take on a second wife within three years of their marriage. Being a second wife and a stepmother is rather like learning to perfect a set of aerial maneuvers. Even though there can be many advantages of being a second wife, you might feel inadequate when filling the spaces left behind by the ex-wife and kids. She was the first wife of her husband and it was a happy arranged marriage. It doesnt mean that it cant be wonderful. Growing up my mother was abused by my father, Thembi says as she wipes away a tear. She was very much disturbed and afraid of losing her husband. Emerging broken, bruised and bleeding from a previous fall when the parachute didn't quite open, he is. Many young women might regard being a second wife better than remaining single. He loved her, and I was fond of her, Lillian says. The supervisor of the study verified the emerging themes and contents. She almost lost her life I couldnt bear the thought of losing her. He kisses the back of Lillians hand as he talks. She also never tried to snatch her husband from the previous co-wives as she said in her religion the Holy Book says A man can marry women of his choice two or three or four, but there must be justice and equality otherwise only one is enough". He says he isnt much of a speaker. The appropriate strategies which are purposefully working by co-wives must be enhanced with proper education and implement programmers that teach coping mechanisms and stress management. polyandry, marriage of a woman to two or more men at the same time; the term derives from the Greek polys, "many," and anr, andros, "man." When the husbands in a polyandrous marriage are brothers or are said to be brothers, the institution is called adelphic, or fraternal, polyandry. 2019; 86(3): 1332-1370. In rare cases, men have carried on double lives, marrying two women and supporting two families, with neither wife knowing about the other. 1. She said, "Emotions change with priorities". Makes sense if there is no balance between males and females in a region. He's not a wealthy man, he has another family and I accepted that.'. Lateron, both married. Changes to the law have meant that women in customary marriages now have more protection than before. She stated, When I allowed my husband to marry a second wife, then God blessed me to have a child (translated from Urdu to English). There are many things about a divorced family that can be nontraditional, especially holidays. Tabi MM, Doster C, Cheney T. A qualitative study of women in polygynous marriages. When even used-car dealers dont regard themselves as purveyors of second-hand merchandise, when second-hand clothes stores are now consignment shops, why should I stick with the second-wife moniker? Mrs. Kamal due to the age factor she was very distressed at the time of her husbands' 2nd marriage but with time she accepted this relationship and had a good relation with 2nd wife and with her children. "We injoi it and feele to prase the Lord." Further, they accepted co-wives as fate roles and made compromises rather than separation in most of the wives even they had kids. The advantages of polygamy were included sharing in-house responsibilities and child-rearing. In all the other cases of infertility, family pressure was the main factor despite childlessness (Table 1).

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